A Little Sad, but Refusing to be Mad...

Let me start off by apologizing for the lack of an introduction. I need to let some shxt out and that intro just takes a back seat. I can't quite start from the beginning (its just too much), but somewhere along things have gone from bad to just out of control. It might possibly be beyond repair. The damage took a long time to do, and its so hard to put the broken pieces of my heart back together. Yes, my heart is broken! It's not over some boy, not over some "love sick" thing... I would actually diagnose it as much deeper than that. Much deeper....

For starters, this semester has been just bad, as far as academics go. I worry daily about whats going to become of my life and whether I'm making a big mistake and wasting my life away. If that wasn't enough for a young lady trying "to make it", I have to deal with people. Now I don't say "people" to make myself seem like a crazy antisocial, but to mean the variety of personalities, hearts, and souls that I have encountered on my life journey. It is human nature to keep the "self" hidden and protected until one becomes comfortable and secure enough to show their true colors. I am proud to say that I have been able to work on that successfully, but sad to say a too many times, I have been disappointed. Unfortunately the disappointment and hurt come from some of the people I love most. I often go above and beyond for them, and I will confess right here in this blog that I would give my life for them. For all that I do and all that I go through, I receive what I consider an equivalent to a slap in the face. I always try to remember that I should treat people as I would want to be treated. The sad truth is that I believed that maybe everyone was that way, but the painful reality hit me hard, LIKE HELL THEY DO! It took a while for me to learn such a hard lesson but I've seen first hand how easily kindness can be mistaken for weakness. My question now is, what am I suppose to do? I can't change who I am, I can't make myself a different "type" of person, but I'm tired of not being treated like I deserve to be, tired of being walked all over. They say you don't appreciate something until you've lost it. At this point, I think it's time to step out of the shy corner and say I do deserve to be appreciated, and it's probably not going to happen until I speak up for myself. I need to give myself more credit, I should be allowed to toot my own horn sometimes and today I'm tooting away like a crazy woman. No, I'm not perfect, far from, but I'm definitely shouting, "consider yourself lucky to have someone like me in your life, standing by your side through too much and never receiving half of the same back and never asking for it. A lot of people would give so much more for a lot less, I have a good heart and your taking it for granted." I want to say be careful, for one day you will look to your right, look to their spot, and she or he won't be there. Only then will you realize how they brought to your life and how much they took with them, only then will you understand that you should have appreciated them for everything they were ( flaws and all) because it all made them the amazing person that loved you and all your flaws for so long. I will end this by saying that I am hoping for the best and looking forward to a positive outcome, but for now I sit here writing my first blog with a broken heart and a hurt soul.....whats up with that?!?!? lol.